The New T.V.



Save me

   I love to watch T.V. especially if there is a big game on or Glee, I mean a Rambo movie, or even the latest Baywatch episode.  What!  They took it off the air.  What were they thinking?  David Haselhoff is like the biggest thing, in Germany and Pamela has two of the biggest things, three if you count the video of her and Tommy Lee, the world has ever seen.  Sorry, I think of her and I get distracted, my wife that is.  She is going to kick my ass for talking about Pamela.  She's just jealous.

  Oh yeah, television, where was I?  My kids have grown to like T.V. as much as I do and we have been trying to come up with a solution to cut it back, with no recent luck.  That is until now.  We have figured a way to get our kids away from the television and do the laundry for us, leaving me more time to watch Glee, I mean the Hockey Game.  I kid you not.  If you put away a lot of money and go buy the top of the line Electrolux washer and dryer, which both have glass doors, your kids will stop watching television and start watching the laundry, no fooling.  If the kids are young start with a stuffed animal cycle, really their own cycle, and let them sit and watch their favourite stuffy go for a bath and a tumble.  Once the wash is complete shift them to the dryer and let the kids watch them get all fluffy again.  Now I don't know how long this will last so be creative and mix your whites and reds and let them see how everything turns pink.  If you don't do it they will, guaranteed.

  Hey guys, Scooby Doo is on.  Are you kidding dad, Scooby is in a spin cycle fighting with Patches the Bear for the window seat.  Be cautioned, they may enjoy it so much that they try to climb in, so parental supervision is required.  Grab some snacks, a cold drink and pull up a seat.  If you need more information on where to pick up these bad boy television distractors just let me know, I will hook you up.  Watch the video and see what you are missing.   

Please Vote "The PMS Party"

  It is getting close to that most wonderful time of the year, or sometimes every second year.  Who are we kidding, with our government you could wake up one day and find out the poles are open and you have 8 hours to vote, only to find out six months later you get to do it again. 


  Now this is my take on politics, federal politics, and it is only one man's opinion with very little truth, not unlike actual politics.  To set the record I am not an expert on politics, in fact I can say that I don't really follow the candidates that closely.  I do know that there are four, maybe five, tomorrow could be six, people running and they all belong to gangs, sorry party's.  See, I am confused already.  A party to me brings to mind friends, family, fun times, a few beverages, snacks, talk of great things to come and awesome memories of past events.  If you look at these parties there is no fun, in fact you could say that the verbal backing of their leader is a crock as choosing the leader involves verbal outbursts and accusations at fellow party members.  I am hopeful that there is lots of beverages, maybe even some smoke, as this would explain a lot, but not my kind of party, unless of course the beer and food are free.  As for how many party's there are, well that depends on the day and who can afford to print signs with their name on them.  I am thinking of creating a party and calling it "PMS Party".  Our campaign will be that once a month we will take a big piece of every Canadians sanity and for the rest of the month we will treat everyone like family, pretending that nothing happened.

  Today at my house we had our own campaign debate and it was very eye opening on how close it compared with a real televised debate.  It all started with our family meeting and going around the room asking each person about their day.  Mutt started it off saying he didn't like it when Jeff hit him, or when Jeff flicked his hat off his head, or when Frick wouldn't let him play with her.  His best part was mommy coming home.  Jeff followed up by accusing Mutt of elbowing him and pushing him.  He also got upset because he was not allowed to play outside, in fact it was his worst day ever.  Frack voiced his pleasure at not getting in trouble at school even though his actions were wrong and he was punished at home the day before.  He could not recall what everyone else had said before him and he to was happy mommy was home because she had not seen what he did earlier in the day.  As for Frick, she ran out of the room when it appeared that she was not getting a turn to talk.  After being brought back in and given the spotlight she informed us that no one would play with her and that Frack tried to get her in trouble by rolling her dolly down the stairs, which she did willingly.  She was also happy mommy was home, although wanted dad to take her to bed.  So as you can see we heard all about what each kid did to the other as well as their woes, but we never did hear what they did to help out around the house or how helpful they were to each other.  As it stands I would vote for mommy even if she wasn't on the ballet.

  Maybe that's it.  Just like Brewster's Millions with Richard Pryor, we could create our own box at the bottom of the ballot and vote for "The Other Guy".  After all, Stevie has not done enough to impress me.  Micky has the Spockien eyebrow, but reminds me more of a Klingon, scary.  Gillie is like the person nobody likes but knows that hanging around maybe he can join forces with another loser and together they might have some say.  As for Jacky, well he needs to get off the train wreck, NDP Express, and knock off Stevie or Micky as head of their gangs.  He is liked the most, but like Gilligan he has all the right intentions, but will never get off the island.

  Hey, what do I know about running a country, other then you need lots of money and there are millions of Canadians that will hand it over, especially if you don't give them a choice.  For once, just tell me what you will do for us and don't mention the other players.  I challenge you.  If you can't then I am voting for "mommy" as my substitute choice. 

Finding My Mojo

  Hi Everyone.  I took some time away from blogging as I lost my mojo and needed time to find it.  Have you ever lost your mojo?  One day things are great and you feel you can conquer the world, or at least the lawn that needs cutting, and then all of a sudden, BAM, even the lawn is daunting.  Never mind that the grass is so long you lost your youngest child in it for an hour.  You have no energy, your brain is having a meltdown (not unlike Charlie Sheen's), and all you want to do is sleep, or in my case, keep the kids quiet for 5 minutes, so I can sleep.
  Now when I say I lost my mojo, it was not like Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me.  There was no Heather Graham running around in those little short shorts of hers and I tried, but my wife would only go with the long flannel pj's with socks and her sweatshirt (quite the turn on for an Eskimo).  There was no Dr. Evil, although there were four little mini me's that wreaked havoc.  There was no penis shaped rocket ship that created hilarious banter in the movie, although my wife did call me a dick at one time leading to our own hilarious banter, well at least I thought it was hilarious, guess that explains the reference.  If this was my movie it would be titled "Kenny Pipsqueak, Looking To Be Shagged, Again".  If this doesn't help me find my mojo, nothing will.


  The difference between Austin and myself was that he got paid a lot of money looking for his mojo, whereas I put my bank account into a negative while sitting back waiting for it to come back to me.  He took two hours (movie time) to find his while battling evil foes, while I took four days and battled crazed munchkins that appeared to be missing their own mojo.  I was concerned as to where my mojo could have disappeared to as a guys mojo can be small, especially if it is cold out.  I knew my mojo could not go far as it is far bigger than the average mojo, therefore it must still be in the house waiting to pop up and surprise me.   Who knew that all it would take was a laundry room renovation for me to find my mojo.  Working on plumbing, construction, destruction, punching a hole in my exterior wall, moving heavy appliances, getting paint on me, making a meatloaf for dinner, and still not having anything working yet, and there it was, my mojo.  It was hiding inside the exterior wall and was only exposed after I chiseled a new hole in the wall.  I felt it right away as there was a strange tinkling feeling that came on after completing something I didn't think I could do.  I quickly realized the feeling was that I had to pee, but I still knew it was back.  A couple beers later (my celebration), and my wife showed her pride in what I had accomplished by saying, "Wow, it looks great.  Now put your beer down and finish the job, before I steal your mojo again".  Job is not quite complete, but I have my mojo and a few ideas to put down and share.  Stay tuned for my take on Canadian politics.