This blog has been over five years in the making and has been one that I have dreaded ever having to write. In saying that I guess I knew from the time I started blogging that this story would need to be told if only for my peace of mind. How long it takes me to type this whole thing is questionable as I have so many things going on in my head that I am not certain where to start, what order to put these thoughts down, or even how to finish it off.
"The results are positive for cancer. It is an aggressive form of prostate cancer and has metastasized into the bones." These are the words I remember my dad speaking to my sister and I back in September 2009. It's funny that the emotion I thought I would feel never did happen. Instead I remember asking "so what do you need to do to get rid of it or at the least under control?" After all, this is my dad and no matter how old you are your dad is invincible and will always be there for you. With this in mind I felt this new obstacle could be overcome or at the very least prolonged for many years, maybe 10-15 at the least. With the emotion of my sister, my mom and a little from my dad I stood with no tears and no true emotion to speak of.
Optimism with initial treatments brought about a sense of relief that dad was going to clear the first hurdle in what I hoped would be long battle, with dad always staying ahead of the cancer. During this time my parents had made the decision to sell their house and move to a retirement community that I referred to as "Shady Acres". Truth is it was not a bad place just not a place that mom wanted to move to, making the decision to sell the house a little awkward. It is at this time that I was proven to be a very smart man. You see I made a decision a number of years earlier to marry a very special person who now did something most wives would never want to do. She spoke up and made the suggestion that my parents should sell their house and move in with us until they could decide what their future held. Wife and mom under the same roof, this is going to be interesting.
January 2010 saw the arrival of mom and dad in our home for what, at the time, was thought to be 6-10 months. Results on dad's treatments were not proving to be all that positive and the doctor was now talking about moving from hormone treatment to chemo treatments, which made things a little more real for me, but still no emotional tears. If anything I was guilty for the lack of feelings I had. After all, research told me that not only are my chances of getting prostate cancer increased, but so are my boys. This is not something easy to think about and yet here I was more concerned about my boys future then I was about my dad's present condition. As a father I knew he would understand, but as a son I felt the guilt. It was around this time that my decision was made to be a healthier father and show my kids the importance of looking after yourself physically, mentally and, who knew, but eventually, spiritually as well, But this last one will require a little help from my wife and Grammie.
In the summer of 2010, July, we took the family to Sherkston Shores for some fun times. To the delight of all of us my dad asked if he could tag along and take part in the festivities. This would prove to be a great week for everyone as the kids enjoyed waterslides, water balloon fights, mini golf and lots of chocolate. There was a sense that this would be the last time away with my dad and my family, but truthfully I was still in denial about what was to come. We made memories that will stay with us forever.
A year later we took the kids to Disney World in Florida and as much fun as we had the most memorable moment came when, on our last night there, we phoned home. While the kids were speaking to Grandpa they told him they missed him and started to cry. They had wanted him there with us from the start, but the emotion still caught both my wife and I off guard. I will never forget my oldest boys tears and his desire to go home. I think, at that moment, we all felt the same way.
Losing a loved one is never easy no matter how prepared you may think you are. My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer in September 2009 and lost his battle, at home, on January 1, 2013 at 11:54am with his brother, sister, my sister, my mom, my wife and I at his side. Surrounded by his loved ones was the way he wanted to go and in some magical way he orchestrated his death just so. He made it through the holidays, enjoying one last Christmas sitting with all the kids and spending time with family, and he made it past important birthdays that meant so much to him. Finally, in his sleeping state he made it through New Years Eve to see one more year arrive.
It has been 5 1/2 years since my dad's passing and on many days it does not seem real. On other days it only seems like a week has gone by and lately I have been feeling it has been too long. My kids say they think of Grandpa all the time and I can only hope that his memory stays with them as the years go by. My wife was telling me recently that she will see things or hear things that brings my dad's memory back instantly. I know she misses her conversations with him and how great he treated her. He thought the world of her and always referred to her as Mama, which rubbed off on our daughter as she does the same thing.
Saying I love you was not common practice with my dad and I always knew he loved my sister and I, but as a dad, I now wonder what he thought we felt. In his final months I told him I loved him and he told my wife that he had his son back. My dad never lost me, he was my best man at my wedding, my best friend in my adult years, my partner in games (horseshoes and darts), he was my hero.
I started writing this three years ago and to this day nothing has really changed. I think of my dad every day and wish he was around to provide me with advice when needed. My mom has struggled in finding her place without him ad I know my sister misses him the same as I do.
I could go on and on telling stories about my dad and over time I hope to share those stories with my kids, in hopes to keep his memory alive and his spirit present in our house. To everyone, all I can say is to cherish every moment that you get with your loved ones as no matter how many there are, the are still not enough in the end.
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